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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  March 10, 2016 2:40am-3:12am PST

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kanye. you want to be kim k.? thanks for watching, don't forget to ask me your "keep it 100" questions on twitter. good nightly, everyone! s. this happened on daily dot! facebook is not just a great place to see ugly babies; it's also growing among baby boomers, which is probably why your friends have been commenting, "wow, your mom is really hitting facebook hard lately." but as its users grow older, da 'book has to work harder to keep up with what the young people are saying, like this new
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software they're patenting that identifies emerging slang terms. basicallyh>>so3 this boils down to is that facebook can analyze posts for youthy new words and expressions, store them in a "social glossary," and then track their use-- because our aging parents and grandparents can't afford their heart medication but they sure as -- need to know what "yolo" means. comedians, we're all internet champions, so i say we game facebook's "social glossary" with some of our own! so give me a new bit of internet slang and tell me what it means. tom, go! >> butter horse. that's when a girl is really hot but she has an ugly horse. [cheers and applause] >> chris: jesse joyce. >> a taint paint, a dick pick with water colors. >> chris: perfect. [cheers and applause] >> chris: ronald funches. >> loose splaning.
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a man explaining to lucille ball she has explaining to do. [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's time for @midnight! captioning sponsored by comedy central >> chris: welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. this is the third night of our week-long tournament of champions. so far, kyle kinane and paul f. tompkins have advanced to thursday's finals. the third competitor will be determined tonight. who will win? who will lose? who will go home and dry hump his pile of "night at the museum" money regardless of what happens? [cheers and applause] tonight's comedians are: from "the odd couple," season premiere thursday april 7 on cbs, it's tom lennon. [cheers and applause] >> chris: performing at gilda's laugh fest in grand rapids, michigan, march 18-19, it's jesse joyce. [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: performing at helium comedy club in buffalo march 31-april 2, it's ron funches. >> chris: ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." here's a list of stuff people are clicking on. first up is "girl power." the internet swooned as one surprising figure came forward to celebrate international women's day yesterday: chernobyl/daniel craig clone vladimir putin! seen here torturing himself. [laughing] in an open letter, putin wrot: "dear women, you possess a mysterious power." please note that "mysterious power" is not to be confused with actual power or civil rights. personally, i'd say the most mysterious power russian women have is keeping their country running while all the men die in dash cam accidents.
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[laughing] [laughing] >> chris: oh the carnage. >> technically he died of alcohol poisoning right before. that's what happened. [laughing] >> chris: right before. but since cold man nipples seems a little confused by ladies, comedians, what does putin think women's mysterious power is? jesse joyce. >> their tampons have the power to summon bears. >> chris: points. tom. >> the equinox women -- steal your rubbarb. >> chris: points. [laughing] >> chris: steal your rubbarb. next up harry potter history. in preparation of the new harry potter-themed movie "fantastic beasts and where to find them"-- or, as i like to call it, "chris hardwick's nerd boners and where to find them: in the theater, under the popcorn, watching 'fantastic beasts and where to find them'"-- j.k. rowling has
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begun releasing four new short stories about magic in north america. excited about this. >> i like it fantastic beast is what i call my boner. [laughing] the first one was released yesterday about native americans and their lack of wands, but honestly, it's fun to imagine an america where "grand wizards" aren't just donald trump supporters. we don't know anything about the north american wizarding school, so comedians, what are some different chapters in the north american magic book? ron funches of. >> j edgar hoover and the closet of secrets. >> chris: points. very good. tom lennon. >> the florida pan handle expecto patron shots. >> chris: that's the end of "rapid refresh," and now it's time for tonight's "hashtag wars."
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one show people can not stop talking about this year is "the people v. o.j. simpson," which is serving as a history lesson for all those '90s kids who only remember the trial as "that thing that interrupted 'power rangers.'" the show is already getting tons of emmy buzz, especially for john travolta's amazing performance as a silly putty vampire. so, we're going to get in on this trend of binge-watchable history with tonight's hashtag: #historicaltvshows. examples: "better call socrates" and "we have nothing to fear but fear the walking dead." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, begin. tom lennon. >> reno 911. chris: points. [cheers and applause]ñr >> chris: first one on the scene, officer dangle. jesse joyce. >> just shoot me, abraham
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lincoln. [laughing] >> chris: points. ron funches. >> ali mcbeth. chris: points. tom. >> it's always sunny in chichanitsa. >> curb your disperia. >> courtney andñi kim take the lindberg baby. >> mr. belvedere tear down this wall. >> the fresh prince of saudi arabia. >> chris: points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: tom lennon. >> malcolm in the middle ages. >> rosa parks and recreation. chris: points. >> chris: that's the end of "hashtag wars." send us your #historicaltvshows and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag war was sent to us by @charley ck14. us by @charley ck14. well done!w3q/
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. we're elbow deep in our tourpment of champions. who ever wins tonight is competing against kyle ca kinane and paul f. tompkins. a lot on the line here. it's time to play "circus folk." >> big money. last week was the 56th anniversary of the debut of a
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little piece of americana: the comic strip "the family circus." that's right. i wouldn't call it a funny comic strip. it's more like i'm going to send that to my aunt mavis comic script. it's this infuriatingly saccharine little bubble of family values that's been a tumor on our nation's "funny paeuplgpages since the eisenhowr administration. just take a look at this. ( bleep ) drivel. "what do birds do if they are afraid of flying?" why the ( bleep ) was that published? it's like the monologue in ted cruz's head most of the time. [ applause ] fun with the captions.
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what happened to my head is not something that gets better. well, we wanted to get in on the action, as well, so comedians i'm going to show you a "family circus" cartoon that we removed the "joke" from, and for 250 points i want you to give me a new line for this little precious moment: first up, this tender scene. what's going on there, jesse. >> a rectal thermometer? now you tell me. [cheers and applause] >> chris: ron. >> mom, you been using my vaporizer, you got to use your own weed. >> chris: next up this family outing. jesse. >> jesus christ dad, i think you killed him. you're not going back to check. >> chris: tom. >> is there going to be pizza at mom's funeral. [laughing]
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>> chris: ron. >> hand me my gun, gilbert cut us off for the last time. [cheers and applause] >> chris: next, this adorable little exchange. ron. >> hey, look lady you pay for the dick not the height. [cheers and applause] [laughing] >> chris: it's unfortunatey we can't just hack the site. tom i think that's not a fugazi, tee shirt. bitch. fugazi doesn't sell t shirts. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: next up, you and me
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guy. this imaginative scene. >> i got my third call back for "goose bumps two" god, who do i have to blow to be in "goose bumps two." >> chris: next up. >> two phone calls. >> get me on -- >> hello there i guess this is one call, wasn't it. >> you're up i'm on my way over. [laughing] >> chris: that's the end of "circus folk." >>s it time for our live challenge. here, here they are losing. yep, let them go. i don't give a [beep].
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let them go. after a devastating loss of the florida seminals or see men rolls if you're 12. it's a interview with dennis clifford. i felt bad. that poor guy his entire college basketball career has desingrated. we don't like to show people super bumped. it's longer than normal but stay with it. i wouldn't just show something to bum you out on the show. it's worth it for the very end. take a look. >> clip -- what are you taking away from boston college? >> well like -- [laughing]
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goin>> going out to eat. [cheers and applause] >> chris: i'm not making fun of this poor guy. he accomplished more than i in any physical activity. he deserves to be celebrated. did they have to put the music scene punctuating this guy's life. it's like i got this and everyone was dead, just dead. [cheers and applause] >> chris: so -- i want to do this again. comedians tell me your best memory of one of the most depressing basketball seasons in history. we'll get your answers after the we'll get your answers after the break when we're back with more
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yeah, i was just talking uhabout yourico?... emergency roadside service and how it's available 24/7 and then our car overheated... what are the chances? can you send a tow truck please? uh, the location? you're not going to believe this but it's um... it's in a tree. i wish i was joking, mate, but it's literally stuck in a tree. (car horn honking) a chainsaw? no, no, all we really need is a tow truck. day or night, geico's emergency roadside service is there for you. >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i told you about boston college's complete bust of a basketball season and showed you the saddest post-interview in recorded human history, and i asked you to do your own, answering the question: "what are you going to take away as your best memory from playing basketball at 0-19 boston college?"
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>> i -- katy perry tickets. she is a firework. [cheers and applause] >> [inaudible] >> ahhhh! [cheers and applause] >> best memory, i guess, i guess i have to say it was -- it was right now. during this press conference. when i realized that my dick has been hanging out. [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: i have to give a thousand points to jesse joyce's dick for hanging out. 500 to ron and tom each. we go to the next game. "askreddit: n.s.f.w." the subreddit "askreddit" is a page where users can go to crowd-source answers to any and all questions they might have. because who's more qualified to guide you in life than a guy with the screen name "sonic the hedgehog's taint 69"? there's actually an n.s.f.w. version of askreddit where users can get answers to queries regarding their naughtiest bits. comedians, i'm going to read you an actual question from "askreddit: n.s.f.w." and you're going to answer it as best you can. first, "what's the weirdest kink you've ever fantasized about?" jesse joyce. >> a japanese teenager and ron funches in a giggle off. >> chris: points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: throw tentacles in there we have a story.
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>> chris: next, "how do you surf porn?" ron funches. >> in a pair of sunglasses and a cartoon penguin. >> chris: points. >> chris: next, "what's your favorite sex toy?" >> either a shiht-zu or a pug. >> chris: next, "what is the most badass sexual experience of your life?" >> the time i paid a thousand dollars. realized this isn't a guy in a gorilla suit this is a gorilla. >> chris: points. >> chris: finally, "what movie title best describes your sex life?" jesse joyce. >> you can do it. >> okay. chris: okay, ron funches. >> white chicks. [cheers and applause] >> chris: points to ron funches. >> chris: that's the end of "askreddit: n.s.f.w."
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tom lennon, i'm so sorry. as an executive producer on the show and a fantastic alarming winning streak you're about to be eliminated. any last words? >> -- chris: red light. [cheers and applause] >> chris: now when the museum closes he comes to life. that means it's time to hulk smash. it's for the win. [cheers and applause] hulk hogan donned his finest formal dress bandanna to appear in court this week, where he's suing gawker for invasion of privacy by leaking his sex tape. i can't tell you how uncomfortable i am saying "leaking" and "sex tape" next to
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hulk hogan. gawker's lawyers are arguing that because hulk-- real name terry bollea-- talked about having a ten-inch penis on a radio show, the sex tape couldn't have been that damaging to his reputation. here was the hulkster's response. >> well, it's not mine. because mine isn't that size. we were discussing hulk hoag apbz. >> seriously? >> yes. terry bollea's penis is not ten inches like you say. >> chris: hulk has a ten incher. terry bollea doesn't -- i feel i know what makes this work better. >> terry bollea's penis is not ten inches like you're trying to say. >> chris: that's what it needed. [cheers and applause] >> chris: let me just -- i would like to comment on tom lennon --
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he is saying he's not discussing his penis but hulk hole an's penis which is a mythical character born of fantasy, like a thick greasy kraken emerging from his shorts to devour wayward ships. comedians, if hulk hogan's penis is indeed a fictional character, what's another incredible fact about this make-believe member? we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. 5-hour energy® presents... why are you so tired? that would be the sound of your alarm going off. unfortunately, your other alarm went off every few hours throughout the night... which means you're going to be alarmingly tired at work today. listen, the truth is as a parent you'll never get enough sleep. but you can get this: a great tasting 5-hour energy® shot. it'll help you be bright eyed and bushy tailed, just like him. now is the time for 5-hour energy®.
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for "for the win." aim wiping your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe. clean because it all comes down to this-- i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. before the break, i showed you a video of hulk hogan testifying in court that his penis is a fictional character and asked you to give me some other facts about this amazing imaginary dong. i will read the answers allowed. you the audience decide who moves onto the final round for the "@midnight" tournament of champions tomorrow night's show. let's see what you wrote. first one, his balls are so poisoned by steroids if you [beep] him you will win the tour de france. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: or ... andrea the giant was actually hulk hogan's penis in leotard. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: who is number one? jesse joyce is going to be tournament of champions. ron funches you will always be a champion in my heart, in the hearts of america. we will see you tomorrow night for the fourth and final night of the tournament of champions kyle ca kinane, paul f. tompkins and jesse joyce. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #historicaltvshows and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams, chrishardwick on snapchat. snapchat. good night! ♪ welcome back to "hardball." i'm chris matthews. [ cheers and applause ]


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